What You Think Is ‘Defiance’ Is Probably Dysregulation
It’s not disrespect. It’s a nervous system in distress.
You ask them to put on their shoes.
They scream, “NO!” and fling one across the room like a boomerang of betrayal.
Cue the frustration. The deep sigh. The what is wrong with them?! moment.
Let me tell you something that might just change how you see these moments forever:
Most of what we label as defiance in kids… is actually dysregulation.
Not willful disobedience. Not disrespect. Just a brain that’s offline and a body stuck in survival mode.
Defiance Defiance Isn’t the Default—Survival Is
We expect kids to listen, comply, be flexible, use their words, keep their cool. And when they don’t? We take it personally.
But here’s the deal: your child isn’t trying to make your life harder. They’re trying to get back to a felt sense of safety.
When your child:
Screams “I hate you!”
Slams the door
Laughs while being corrected
Melts down over brushing their teeth
…it’s not defiance. It’s dysregulation. Their nervous system is hijacked. They’ve dropped out of their “thinking brain” and into their “survival brain”—and there is no reasoning with a kid in survival.
The Brain in tantrum mode
Quick brain science rundown:
Low brain = survival (fight/flight/freeze/fawn)
Middle brain = emotions, memories, attachment
High brain = logic, impulse control, empathy, problem-solving
During a moment of dysregulation, the high brain goes dark. That’s why your kid can’t “just calm down” or “listen the first time.” They’re not being a jerk. They’re overwhelmed.
So when we respond to dysregulation with punishment or lectures, it’s like shouting at someone having a panic attack to “get it together.” Doesn’t work. Makes it worse.
What to do instead
Here’s the game-changing shift:
Connection before correction. Regulation before reasoning.
Try this:
“You’re having a hard time listening. Let’s take a breath together first.”
“It seems like your body is feeling really upset right now. I’m here.”
“We’re going to press pause. We’ll talk once your brain is back online.”
Yes, set boundaries. Yes, follow through. But don’t confuse dysregulation for defiance. If you treat a survival response like a moral failure, your child learns shame instead of skills.
But what about actual defiance?
Let’s be real—sometimes kids do push buttons on purpose. That’s part of being human. But even then, we have to ask:
What need is underneath this behavior?
Is my child trying to assert control in a world that often controls them?
Is this a bid for connection, power, autonomy, or reassurance?
Most chronic “defiance” is really a pattern of unmet needs and nervous system overwhelm. And you don’t fix that with harsher punishments. You fix it with regulation, relationship, and re-patterning.
what this looks like in real life
Instead of: “You need to get it together right now or you’re going to your room!”
Try: “You’re not in trouble. Your body is having a hard time, and I’m going to help you feel safe.”
Instead of: “Stop being so dramatic! It’s just socks!”
Try: “These socks feel wrong to you, huh? Let’s find a pair that feels better while we breathe.”
Not because they “get away with it”—but because we’re teaching them how to come back online. Over time, they internalize regulation by being co-regulated.
Your Calm Is the Cure
If you want your child to stop yelling, shutting down, or lashing out, don’t meet them there. Meet them where they aren’t yet.
Be their calm when they can’t access it. Be the safe harbor while they ride the storm.
Not because you’re perfect. But because you know better now.
And now that you do—you can do differently.
Want to Go Deeper?
This is exactly the kind of stuff we unpack in Week 4 of my 6-week Parent Reset Program: Nervous System Science. If this blog lit something up for you, that session will blow your mind and soothe your soul.
👇
Get on the waitlist for the next round
Or grab my free tantrum repair guide—your go-to for turning chaos into connection.
